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06 October 2009 @ 10:04 pm
Whereupon my mind, being troubled, I desired to get beyond the seas.  
I am going on this trip, in four days. I am ready to go on this trip. I need to go on this trip.

I am afraid I am putting too much pressure on this trip. I am expecting this trip to change my life when it probably won't.

I mean, it will change my life in some ways, certainly. It will make my life experience better. I will be a more fulfilled person for having gone on this trip. I'm confident of that.

Everything is just weird right now. I know I am still dealing with Catherine's death in ways that I don't understand, because I have never had to understand them before. Right after it happened, once the initial shock wore off and we got back to work, I don't mean this to sound crass, but it sort of felt like she was on vacation. Maybe she wasn't there, in the office, but she was somewhere, and she'd be back. But now a month has gone by, and she isn't back, and the firm had a service for her, and it's more comprehensible, more real, that she isn't coming back, that she isn't anywhere anymore. (Okay, I still don't understand that, but I'm working on it.)

I don't know. I don't know how to describe how I feel. Unsteady, I guess. I feel like at any given moment, I'm just ever so slightly out of balance, like gravity isn't doing what it's supposed to do.

It's not depression, thankfully. I know what that looks like, especially in October, and this is different.

I'm sure part of it is anticipation. I have wanted to go to Paris forever. I have wanted to walk along the Seine and eat croissants and look at the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa and the Sacre Coeur and the light shining through the windows at Sainte Chappelle since I started taking French in 8th grade. I have wanted to do these things for so long, longer than I have ever wanted to do anything else, and now, finally, in four days, I will start doing them.

I'm going to get on a plane, and go far away, and spend six days wandering a city by myself, and get some perspective, and maybe it will change my life a little, not a lot, but a little, and that's good enough for me.
 
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ejshea on October 9th, 2009 05:49 pm (UTC)
You know, I wouldn't discount the power of knowing that you're realizing a dream. Honest to God, I'd have a hard time sitting still. :)

YAY! Have a wonderful time! You deserve it!
selilaselila on October 11th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
you are now well on your way but i just want to underscore...

it will be excellent.

it already is.

and i hope that every day lives up to its potential.

have a great. great. time.