i am becarefuling

Argh. That's all. Just.... argh.

2009-12-18T00:56:33Z

In what I am sure will be a surprise to no one, I am trying to find a new job. I've been applying at several non-profits, thinking that I can at least feed my soul a little bit while I figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Last Friday, I received a call from a woman, Megan, who is from an outsource HR company, regarding a resume I had submitted to one of the non-profits. She called my cell phone and since I didn't recognize the number, I didn't answer it, but she left a message saying she would e-mail me with her information and we could schedule an interview. Over e-mail, we arranged to speak at 4:15 on Monday. I asked if it was okay if I called her, since I have no privacy at my desk and I would have to find an empty office. She said that was fine and if I got her voicemail to dial 0 and have her paged.

I called at 4:15 and got her voicemail. When I reached the receptionist, she said Megan was in a company meeting, which didn't sound like something you can be paged out of. I was transferred back to her voicemail and said that maybe we hadn't thought about a time zone difference and I would call back in an hour, which I did, and still got her voicemail. I left another message and then sent an e-mail on Tuesday morning, saying I'm sorry we hadn't connected and to please let me know when we could try again.

I didn't hear anything back, not Tuesday, not Wednesday morning. So now I'm thinking, I don't want to lose out on my chance at this job because this agency is screwing up, but I have also left two voicemails and one e-mail that haven't been returned, so I sort of felt like I had done my fair share. At 3:00 I e-mailed the person at the non-profit where I had originally submitted my resume, and told her what had happened with the calls I had tried to make, and said something like I hope it wasn't inappropriate to contact her directly but I wanted to make sure there was no issue with this agency. She wrote back right away, said she had "lit a fire" (her words) and to let her know if I didn't hear anything by the end of the day tomorrow (which is today, Thursday).

As an aside, I very rarely get any calls on my home phone any more. I usually check it when I get home at night, but a lot of times I forget. I didn't look at it last night, but I did tonight, and it turns out Megan had called my HOME PHONE on Wednesday, about a half an hour after I had e-mailed the non-profit. She said in her message that she didn't get my voicemails, and that she did try to call me back but I must not have gotten the message.

Both of these things are clearly bullshit, which is obvious by the fact that she called my home phone, after (presumably) getting chewed out by either the person at the non-profit or by a supervisor at her agency. She had my work phone, my cell phone (which is how she initially contacted me), and my e-mail address (which is how we set up the initial interview time), but instead she chose to call me at HOME to try to set up another time? She also said that she really preferred to call the candidate rather than have the candidate call in, for reasons which make no sense to me, as if she's sitting there ready to pick up a phone to call someone, then why can't she sit there and wait for the phone to ring? I also can't be the first person she's dealt with who (1) works in a cube or other space with no privacy and (2) doesn't want everyone to know they're interviewing.

So it's all very annoying, because while she is the one who has fucked up here, she is still standing between me and this job, which means I have to be nice. I e-mailed her from home as soon as I heard her voicemail, apologizing (whatever) for our "miscommunications" and letting her know that once we set up a time, I will go ahead and forward my phone to an empty office so she can call me.

At the end of the day, though, I really think this is moot. I'd love to work for this organization, as they do many good things, but I'd be completely surprised if this position paid as much as I'm making now, and I can't afford to make any less than I make now. I wish we lived in a world where it was okay for me to get on the phone with this woman and just say, "Look, just tell me how much this pays, because I think we can wrap this up right now."

(Sorry to come back after all this time with nothing but venting! I'll do some New Year's Resoluting about writing here more often.)

Whereupon my mind, being troubled, I desired to get beyond the seas.

2009-10-06T04:44:27Z

I am going on this trip, in four days. I am ready to go on this trip. I need to go on this trip.

I am afraid I am putting too much pressure on this trip. I am expecting this trip to change my life when it probably won't.

I mean, it will change my life in some ways, certainly. It will make my life experience better. I will be a more fulfilled person for having gone on this trip. I'm confident of that.

Everything is just weird right now. I know I am still dealing with Catherine's death in ways that I don't understand, because I have never had to understand them before. Right after it happened, once the initial shock wore off and we got back to work, I don't mean this to sound crass, but it sort of felt like she was on vacation. Maybe she wasn't there, in the office, but she was somewhere, and she'd be back. But now a month has gone by, and she isn't back, and the firm had a service for her, and it's more comprehensible, more real, that she isn't coming back, that she isn't anywhere anymore. (Okay, I still don't understand that, but I'm working on it.)

I don't know. I don't know how to describe how I feel. Unsteady, I guess. I feel like at any given moment, I'm just ever so slightly out of balance, like gravity isn't doing what it's supposed to do.

It's not depression, thankfully. I know what that looks like, especially in October, and this is different.

I'm sure part of it is anticipation. I have wanted to go to Paris forever. I have wanted to walk along the Seine and eat croissants and look at the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa and the Sacre Coeur and the light shining through the windows at Sainte Chappelle since I started taking French in 8th grade. I have wanted to do these things for so long, longer than I have ever wanted to do anything else, and now, finally, in four days, I will start doing them.

I'm going to get on a plane, and go far away, and spend six days wandering a city by myself, and get some perspective, and maybe it will change my life a little, not a lot, but a little, and that's good enough for me.

One of those things.

2009-09-02T00:15:31Z

My boss, Catherine, died over the weekend. The details are not confirmed, but apparently she drowned trying to save someone who had fallen out of a boat in a pond on her property.

If you have ever heard me talk about Catherine -- and some of you have heard me talk about Catherine A LOT -- then 99% of what you heard was probably negative. My relationship with her was very, very complicated. There were times when she was absolutely horrible, truly unprofessional by anyone's standards, and one time humiliated me in front of my coworkers in a manner I have never experienced in a working environment. She was hypercritical. She often gave vague directions and became obviously frustrated if you asked her to clarify what she wanted. She was the very definition of a control freak and rarely welcomed any input as to how to approach a project. Although she certainly had some appreciated qualities in a boss -- she gave public praise when it was due, and always made sure I got credit for my work in front of the partners -- I did not, on the whole, like working for her.

She was loud. Extremely, unabashedly loud. The most common answer to "Does anyone know if Catherine is in today?" was "I don't know... I haven't heard her." She was honest like a punch in the face. She was from New York City. She was side-splittingly funny, and when she laughed, the people in the offices across the street could probably hear her. She dropped the F-bomb at least once every ten minutes. She owned thoroughbred horses, five of them. About six months ago, she adopted a retired Anheuser-Busch Clydesdale, and brought in pictures when he arrived, as proud of him as a new mother. She used to hang out at Studio 54. She met her third husband at the firm, a tall, gentle, good-looking man who just retired after 30 years there. Her eyes lit up when he used to stop by her office.

If I had ever gotten myself into anything that I didn't know how to get out of, if I ever found myself in trouble and didn't want to call my parents, I would have called Catherine. She would have moved heaven and earth to help me, or anyone else in that office, and asked questions later. Her criticism was harsh and her behavior unpredictable, but her affection was deep and her loyalty was fierce. She was a force of nature.

I've never had this happen before. People have died, obviously, but not someone I saw almost daily for the last year and a half. I have no experience with this kind of thing, this thing where your first reaction is "But she was just here." Where you seek to cement the last time you saw the person and you realize it was when you said "Have a good weekend!" on automatic pilot and she said "You too, girl!" on automatic pilot, because that's what you always say every Friday afternoon. And that was it.

So what do you do? What can you do? After I found out, about 7:30 last night, I burst into tears. I talked to my coworkers. Then I talked, or hyperventilated, to my parents. I collected myself. I texted some people. My friend Michelle came down and we sat on my front stoop and got drunk on red wine and smoked cigarettes and talked about the things you talk about, which is mostly how much it sucks that the older you get, the more shit like this happens. I went to work today and it was very, very strange. It's going to be very strange for a long time, I think.

Very strange, and very, very quiet.

Entering the world.

2009-07-16T15:45:39Z

I write poetry, Toby. That's how I enter the world.
Tabitha Fortis, "The U.S. Poet Laureate", The West Wing, Season 3 Episode 17

That line has stuck with me for years. Literally, years. Since it actually aired, in the spring of 2002, as I was preparing to move into the next phase of my life in DC.

I've had quite a few conversations about this recently. It helps to know I'm not the only one who hasn't quite found it yet.

To be fair, there are a few I already know about.

Like, on stage.

I do not know if I am a good actor. I don't know how many other actors struggle with the nagging sensation that they kind of suck, but no one is telling them. It's hard to know that for sure, especially when you only do theater, and therefore can't sit back and watch yourself on film or on tape, in the process of acting, and say, well yes, I can see now, that I am good. I do get cast in things, here and there, now and then, and that's probably a sign that I do okay.

But, my level of ability isn't really the point. Not really. Acting feeds my adrenaline. There is a feeling I get on stage that doesn't happen anywhere else in my life. I look forward to every second of the process, from the table read to the performances, and even if it is a train wreck for other people to witness, it feels right to me. In those moments, on stage, I am well within myself.

I also enter the world in words.

I write. I am a writer. Did you know that about me?

It's taken me a very, very long time to be able to say that, out loud, and it still makes me kind of nervous. One of the all-time great Elizabeth Mysteries is that I feel no vulnerability on stage, despite a decades-long, deeply scarring battle with my appearance. Put me on a stage, in a quiet, serious moment, 200 pairs of eyes focused only on me, and I am fine, alive even.

But saying "I am a writer" makes me afraid of your judgment, in spite of the hundreds of thousands of words I have written, some of them out here in the world, some of them to one single person or another, some of them to a blank book no one sees.

I am a writer. I write things. I am writing things, I am working on things.

So, there are two, for starters.

However, I also know a few ways in which I for sure do not enter the world. I don't enter the world as a lawyer, nor doing business development for a law firm.

This is the balance that I think we all seek, and a rare few of us find. The two ways of entering the world that I can identify for certain are not ways that, right now, allow me to survive in that world. I do not know what it is like to earn a living from being who I really am.

I think I need to work on that a little.

Some things.

2009-05-16T18:24:07Z

1. I would like to know if there is a clinical definition for the following phenomenon: In January, I casually pondered to myself, "You know, if I start now, I could totally lose 20 pounds by the reunion in June." Result: have probably gained 20 pounds since January, just by thinking about losing 20 pounds. WTF is that? I don't really care as far as the reunion is concerned, I've seen FB pictures which tell me that although some of the skinny girls are still skinny, some of them aren't and most of the boys have lost their hair. The beauty of a 20-year high school reunion is that none of that stuff matters anymore.

I will say that I would like to lose some weight before France. I have cleared the detritus off the treadmill and have started to walk 20 minutes a day (I try to go outside but it's been raining for three weeks straight almost), with a plan of gradually increasing that time from now until October. And that's really not so much about weight loss as it is wanting to be able to walk in Paris all day long, because that is what you do there.

2. I watched the Passport to Europe episode on Paris this weekend and burst into tears about six times. I still can't really believe I'm going. I have a iCountdown app on my phone. We're at 146 days, if you're wondering.

3. On a walking-related note, the plantar fasciitis in my right foot, which has caused me daily pain and related gimpyness since last June, is probably 90% healed. The doctor said it would take six months to a year, so apparently I am right on time. I've been able to walk without limping, even first thing out of bed, for about a month now. I chalk it up to concerted efforts at keeping it flexed against a box while sitting at my desk and wearing my Croc flips around the house when I'm usually just in socks.

(One thing I will never understand: the Croc backlash. I can't remember a time when so many people cared so much about what other people are wearing on their feet. Crocs are comfortable and supportive. If you don't like them, don't wear them. Otherwise, find something else to get worked up about, eh?)

4. We've had two weeks of rehearsals on The Mousetrap, and it is going well. I am starting to become one with the idea that I am likely going to look hideous in it. My character, Miss Casewell, is probably a lesbian, though obviously Agatha Christie couldn't come out and say that in a play in the 1950's. The good part about this is I will get to wear pants, which I am much more comfortable in on stage, but the bad news is that my makeup wil be minimal and my hair will probably have to be flat and mannish, and these things are Not Good. I'm not a terribly vain person but without makeup I can look a bit too much like my father for my comfort. But one must suffer for one's art, I suppose.

Besides being a lesbian, this show is presenting a few other acting challenges for me as well, which I'm always glad about. One is the fact that there are times I am onstage for pages and pages without having anything to say. I've never had to work at staying in character that long. The script calls for almost every character to be smoking, but we can't do that any more (which I think is a pity, but whatever). We're going to substitute drinks for cigarettes, so at least that's something to do, but a lot of it is sitting around watching people be interrogated. It will be interesting.

5. Saw some theater both Friday and Saturday night. Friday night was a (free!) show at the theater where I did Picnic. That theater has a one-act playwriting competition, and showcases the winners. Apparently they couldn't get in touch with the second-place winner, so that one wasn't performed, but the other two were quite good. I ran into my acting teacher from the class I just finished, so we sat together and he had some interesting critiques of the performances.

Saturday night, I ushered for a show at the theater where I'm currently rehearsing. It's called As Bees in Honey Drown, it's a show I had never heard of until my friend was cast in it, but it's a very interesting play and was very, very well done. It's also the first time I've seen a show performed in that space, which was helpful to get an idea of how our show will look. It's not a traditional proscenium-stage theater -- the stage is sort of built into a corner, with the audience on two adjacent sides of the square, and big damn post in the corner between the audience sections. It calls for some creative staging, which they did on Saturday night, so it definitely works if it's done right.

6. Let me ramble about some television before I go. Enjoying the second season of In Treatment almost as much as the first. Once again, it's the younger girl (the gymnast in the first season, the architecture student in this one) who is taking my breath away, and once again it's the couple that is completely uninteresting to me, although the boy who plays their kid is very very good when it's just him.

Very happy that Castle has been picked up. This show is as fluffy as can be but Nathan Fillion can make the phone book charming. Also happy that Lie to Me is coming back, although the season finale was about terrorist attacks in DC which was kind of upsetting. The fact that Dollhouse has been renewed will make me go back and actually watch it, as I fell off around the third episode and everyone said it got much better later on.

Watching Wallander on Masterpiece Mystery. My mom saw it before I did and said it was a bit too slow for her, but I really liked it, once you get past the fact that apparently everyone in Sweden is British.

C'est tout, pour maintenant.

Bonjour, tout le monde, as Madame McClenahan-Garner used to say.

2009-04-15T15:30:06Z

I'm just saying, a lot of my entries from now until October are probably going to have a bit to do with Paris, so if that's annoying, I totally apologize in advance. (I worry I might start to sound like Harmony in Harsh Light of Day, you know? I don't want it to get to the point where you would be insanely happy if you heard bugger all about sodding France.)

But, yeah. I booked my trip today, hotel and airfare. Going over October 10, coming back October 17. I am so excited I sort of don't know what to do with myself. I don't think I've ever pushed the button on anything that expensive before, and it made me so nervous I thought I was going to puke, so I just tried to remind myself that 75% of it was essentially free. That made it easier!

I got my birth certificate in the mail yesterday, in preparation for getting a passport. Remember back when your birth certificate was something you were supposed to put in a safe deposit box or whatever, like if you lost it it was a huge deal to get another one? Now it's a $23 check and a copy of your driver's license to the Bureau of Vital Statistics in Washington DC (if that's where you were born) and presto, a week later, you have your birth certificate, all raised-seal and official looking.

(A couple of things of interest: First, there is a box for occupation of the father, but not the mother; I imagine this has changed since 1971. Second, there is a section that asks for the number of children previously "born to this mother," and mine says "1". I thought this was funny because my brother, while obviously an official child of my parents, was technically not "born to" my mother. I asked my mom last night, and she thinks someone just asked her how many other kids she had, and that was that.)

So anyway, now there are six months of planning and saving ahead of me, a good amount of time for both, I think. I'm upping the amount of money that goes directly from my paycheck into my savings account, for one thing. For another, I imagine the necessity of every purchase will now be weighed against this trip, and I'm thinking the trip will win almost every time.

As for the planning, I have my Fodor's guide, the interwebs, and you lot, all of you who have been before! You will tell me what to do and see and hear and eat and drink, n'est-ce pas?

So, yeah.

2009-04-09T03:38:43Z

It's been weeks and weeks, hasn't it? Have we noticed a dropoff from others as well, since Facebook and Twitter have taken over our lives? It's not a Good Thing, I don't think, but I am as blameworthy as anyone, and will try to fix it, I promise. I certainly won't let another damn month go by.

So the big news around here is probably old news to all of you, since I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this is also on either Facebook or Twitter, but earlier this week, I won a March Madness pool for... OMG... $805.

I KNOW. It's insane. I wasn't even in the running after the first weekend, so I didn't bother to take my bracket home to follow along on the second weekend. Then the interim results came around a week ago Monday (when the Final Four had been determined), and lo and behold -- I had won $20 (on a $10 entry fee) for picking 10 of 12 in the 3rd and 4th rounds, and I was the only one with the most points to have all Final Four teams correct. I had picked North Carolina to beat Michigan State in the finals, and in the finals, North Carolina beat Michigan State. So I won. $825, all told.

And there is very little question about what I'm going to do with it.

Obviously $800 doesn't get me all the way there, but you'd be surprised how far it goes. I've priced out a couple of packages and can get a six-night stay in Paris in October for about $1100, including hotel, airfare, and taxes.

Of course, my father chimed in with an e-mail full of advice about how to invest it. We hadn't discussed what I'm doing with it, and I'm going up to see them this weekend so I decided to wait and tell them in person, but I replied with this:

I appreciate the advice, I really do, but I've had a week to think about it, and I have already decided what I'm going to do. It's something I've wanted for a very very long time, and since this money basically fell from the sky and landed in my hands, I feel okay about doing something extraordinary with it.

Because the truth is, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, my biggest regret would not be not getting married, or not having children, or not having finished my novel. My biggest regret would be that I hadn't stood on a bridge over the Seine at dusk and watched the Eiffel Tower light up, that I hadn't sat in the park in front of the Hôtel des Invalides with a baguette and some brie, that I hadn't spent an afternoon lost in the Louvre, that I hadn't stood under the Arc de Triomphe or peered in windows on the Champs-Elysées or done any one of a hundred things I've wanted to do since I was 17.

This October, I will finally be able to do them, all because North Carolina beat Michigan State.

Yeah. It's totally ridiculous. And, you know, completely awesome.

Memeage! Or, I'll Write A Real Entry Again Soon, I Swear.

2009-03-03T02:53:29Z

Oscar meme stolen from mesawyou . A list of all best pic nominees since 1980, with the ones I've seen in bold. It's all I can gear up for at the moment.

1980 Ordinary People, Coal Miner's Daughter, The Elephant Man, Raging Bull, Tess

We had to watch Ordinary People in an English class once. I remember seeing bits and pieces of The Elephant Man on cable and being terrified. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you that Raging Bull was from the 1960's.

1981 Chariots of Fire, Reds, Atlantic City, On Golden Pond, Raiders of the Lost Ark

I have never even heard of Atlantic City. [I looked it up. I have vague memories.]

1982 Gandhi, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Missing, Tootsie, The Verdict

My parents took me to see Gandhi in the theater. I have no idea why. I was in third grade. I fell asleep.

1983 Terms of Endearment, The Big Chill, The Dresser, The Right Stuff, Tender Mercies

There's a play called The Dresser. I think it's the same thing. I haven't seen either, though, so I don't know why I brought it up.

1984 Amadeus, The Killing Fields, A Passage to India, Places in the Heart, A Soldier's Story

Amadeus is the awesomest movie. I feel like I should see The Killing Fields and A Passage to India.

1985 Out of Africa, The Color Purple, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Prizzi's Honor, Witness

When I started this, I didn't think there'd be a year where I had seen them all. I saw The Color Purple in the theater, I remember sitting there with Cathy and another friend of ours crying for like half an hour after it was over.

1986 Platoon, Children of a Lesser God, Hannah and Her Sisters, The Mission, A Room with a View

I don't remember The Mission at all. Everytime I see A Room with a View mentioned anywhere, I think to myself, "I can't believe I haven't seen A Room with a View yet."

1987 The Last Emperor, Broadcast News, Fatal Attraction, Hope and Glory, Moonstruck

I don't remember Hope and Glory at all. I have to go look these up. I know The Last Emperor is a brilliant movie, but I sort of didn't get it.

1988 Rain Man, Dangerous Liaisons, The Accidental Tourist, Mississippi Burning, Working Girl

I feel like I've probably seen the entirety of Working Girl, just never all at once.

1989 Driving Miss Daisy, Born on the Fourth of July, Dead Poets Society, Field of Dreams, My Left Foot

I should probably see these other two. But, I probably won't.

1990 Dances with Wolves, Awakenings, Ghost, The Godfather Part III, Goodfellas

I should probably see Goodfellas someday, if only to better understand the Animaniacs version.

1991 The Silence of the Lambs, Beauty and the Beast, Bugsy, JFK, The Prince of Tides

I can't see The Prince of Tides mentioned without hearing Linda Richman in my head.

1992 Unforgiven, The Crying Game, A Few Good Men, Howards End, Scent of a Woman

The only one I haven't seen is the one that won. Clint Eastwood is not my favorite actor, to be honest.

1993 Schindler's List, The Fugitive, In the Name of the Father, The Piano, The Remains of the Day

Ah, the Merchant Ivory era.

1994 Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption

Another sweep. I only saw The Shawshank Redemption for the first time about five years ago. I saw all the others in the theater.

1995 Braveheart, Apollo 13, Babe, Il Postino (The Postman), Sense and Sensibility

I know. I don't know why I haven't seen Braveheart yet, I really don't. It's becoming a thing.

1996 The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Secrets and Lies, Shine

I feel like I might have seen Secrets and Lies but I'm pretty sure I haven't. I know for a fact I haven't seen Shine. I am vaguely remembering all the opening musical numbers Billy Crystal used to do. I miss him as host.

1997 Titanic, As Good as It Gets, The Full Monty, Good Will Hunting, L.A. Confidential

I absolutely thoroughly enjoyed all of these films.

1998 Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, Life Is Beautiful (La vita è bella), Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line

Every time it comes up that I haven't seen Life is Beautiful, my mother gets kind of mad at me.

1999 American Beauty, The Cider House Rules, The Green Mile, The Insider, The Sixth Sense

I should see The Green Mile, I think.

2000 Gladiator, Chocolat, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Erin Brockovich, Traffic

Ah, the Russell Crowe era. I remember leaving the theater after Traffic feeling very depressed. And whatever happened to Benicio Del Toro?

2001 A Beautiful Mind, Gosford Park, In the Bedroom, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Moulin Rouge

Oh, Moulin Rouge. It will forever be associated with that summer for me, that last carefree summer before everything changed.

2002 Chicago, Gangs of New York, The Hours, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Pianist

I think I should see The Hours and The Pianist.

2003 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Lost in Translation, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, Mystic River, Seabiscuit

I sort of saw Lost in Translation. I saw half of it. Then I turned it off. Feh.

2004 Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Ray, Sideways

I also sort of saw Sideways. Same thing, I turned it off halfway through. Dullish. You would have to tie me down and force me to watch Million Dollar Baby. Thus is the extent of my distaste for Hilary Swank. And, you know, Clint Eastwood.

2005 Crash, Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich

I loved Good Night and Good Luck so damn much. I admit that I only watched Munich for Daniel Craig, but it was good.

2006 The Departed, Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen

I remember I watched The Departed the weekend after that kid shot up Virginia Tech. I then decided I had had enough of people getting their heads blown off for a while.

2007 No Country for Old Men, Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood

I need to see all of these others.

2008 Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader

I need to see all of these others too.

Heh.

2009-02-25T17:42:52Z

Dear Past Elizabeth:

Honey. It's called counting your chickens before they hatch. Cut that shit out, okay?

Love,
Present Elizabeth

Updatery.

2009-02-11T18:41:08Z

1. Heading to Hilton Head on Saturday to spend a week with the family. I am taking the train, which is 11 hours each way. That is a long damn time on a train, I think, ~~especially when one's laptop DVD drive isn't functioning~~ (ETA: It works!! I have no idea why, it really shouldn't. Some metal pieces that used to be attached to the drive tray are no longer attached. But who cares! It works!) I'm sure I will be okay, though, with magazines and knitting and audiobooks and regular books and crosswords and Marple (geeky logic iPhone game app to which I am completely addicted) and, if all else fails, napping. And now DVDs, so I am okay!

2. I have been pondering my catlessness lately and am thinking that once I get back from my trip, it might be time to get a kitten. Or two. I'm thinking seriously about two, because everyone says two are happier. I have to warn you, though, if I do get two, the urge to name them after characters from the Russell Davies oeuvre might be too strong to resist. Yes, I could be like the gazillions of people in the 90's who had cats named Mulder and Scully. Only no one would know who mine were.

3. I have also been pondering my somewhat ludicrous desire for a new computer, and think that a Dell netbook might be a solution.

4. I am totally annoyed about the fact that the 20-year reunions for both my high schools are the exact same day. GDS (the high school I actually graduated from in DC) has always had its reunions in October, but they sent out an e-mail this week saying that too many people complained about it being so late in the year, too close to the holidays, kids are in school, etc. etc. etc., so they moved it up. To June 13th, which is the same date as the reunion for my high school in Kansas, which I left the summer before my senior year after having gone to school with the same kids since 1st grade.

There's really no question here, I'm going to the one in Kansas. Aside from having friended a few GDS classmates on Facebook, I don't actually keep in touch with anyone from that year, although I was looking forward to reconnecting with them in October. Maybe I'll try again at the 25th reunion!

5. Despite all my job grumblings over the past few months, I have decided that the only thing to do for now is keep my head down and be thankful that I have a job at all. There have been massive layoffs going on in the world of major law firms, with both associates and staff getting kicked out the door, sometimes with barely one month's severance. Nearly 1000 were laid off in the last two days alone. Horrifying. All signs point to my firm being okay, but no one can really count on anything anymore.

6. But let us end on a happy note: Hooray hooray hooray and millions of congratulations to tracing00 and Keith on the birth of their son, Baby Whose Name Has Yet To Be Announced!

"What'd you blow it on? Stocks? Bonds? Elvis memorabilia?"

2009-01-28T15:38:45Z

I don't know what's been happening. Maybe writing so much in December just took all the updating I had out of me. Also, I really do feel like Facebook and Twitter have reduced my desire to write here, which is Not Good. I don't want everything I have to say to be reduced to 140 characters or less.

Anyway. I am writing today because February is going to be a bit of a windfall month around here. My tax refund will be coming in soon (the only place where being single, childless, and a renter means anything but Loserville is in terms of tax return preparation; the whole thing took about ten minutes), and I am fortunate enough to work at a firm that actually did okay last year, which means we'll be getting our bonuses as planned in our February checks. They will range anywhere from 5% to 10% of our salaries. I won't know the exact amount for another couple of weeks, but at a minimum, it's still a nice chunk of change.

I am going to do my damnedest to be responsible about this money. To that end, I am making a list of everything I want to use it for, including necessary (bill paying), discretionary but reasonable (high school reunion trip), and totally, utterly frivolous (new iPod). Once I know the entire amount, I am going to go through the list, estimate some costs, and apportion my influx of capital in such a way that my id, ego, and superego are all satisfied.

Sorted into (1), (2), and (3), respective to categories above.

- A trip to California to see Cathy, as I haven't been since 2006 and that's just ridiculous. This is technically a (2), but really more of a (1.5). I need to spend some time with my sister cat, and pronto.
- A trip to St. Louis to see my Yo Gabba Gabba friends. Also a (2), but only because I was just there.
- A trip to Europe. We'll call it a (2), but it's probably a (3), given the current exchange rates. Still, something worth putting some money aside for when the time is right.
- A propos, getting a passport. We'll call that a (2).
- Catching up on my utility bills. Cable, electricity, cellphone. There's a past due balance on, let's see, yes, all of them. (1).
- Keeping a cushion in my checking account, $500-$800. (1). I simply can't continue to dig change out of the couch the last three or four days pre-payday and stress about things bouncing. It is way too depressing. And I want to stop panicking about my car breaking down or my television dying.
- $1K toward a 401(k) loan I took out last summer. Sadly, that's not enough to cover it, but it makes a dent. (1).
- A trip to Kansas City for my 20-year high school reunion in June. Technically a (2), but it's going to happen. Fortunately I have plenty of places to stay, so I only need the airfare and car rental.
- A professional bra fitting. I have been told this has the power to change one's life. (2).
- DVD box sets: Torchwood Seasons 1-2, Slings and Arrows Seasons 1-3. In Treatment when it's released. Others TBD. (3).
- New makeup and possibly an actual professional makeover at Sephora. (3).
- A new iPod. Yes, one of the reasons I justified the iPhone was that I could treat it as a replacement for my old dead iPod. But there is just something about having all of your music right there in your hand. (3).
- A new computer. There is nothing wrong with the computer I have now, which is barely a year old, but it is simply too big. I made a mistake in getting the biggest one. It is heavy and unwieldy. I want something I can lift with one hand. This is totally irrational. It's, like, (4) irrational.
- A silent meditation retreat weekend. (2). I want to go somewhere like this. I want to go somewhere, without a television or phone or computer, and just be quiet for a bit.
- New shoes. My shoe situation is pathetic, even for a non-shoe girl such as myself. (2).
- Haircut and color. The haircut's a (1), really, but the color is a (2) and basically a way to spend more time with my hot British non-gay stylist with whom, you may recall, I am madly in love.
- Going to see Oliver Platt in Guys and Dolls on Broadway this spring. (2).

Hmm. Many things to ponder. Will be adding to the list as the mood strikes, and I'll gladly take suggestions, especially in the area of (3)!

(P.S.: The title is a totally obscure Moonlighting reference. In case you were wondering.)

President Obama.

2009-01-20T21:55:17Z

11/4/08:

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope; and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and those who tell us that we can't, we will repsond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes, we can.

...

1/20/09:

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

Early to bed, early to rise.

2008-12-31T04:02:24Z

10:30 is a crazy bedtime for me, but I'm up at 5:30, to leave for the airport by 7:00, to catch a 10:25 flight (okay, that's a lot of time, but the B-W parkway is scary even going against rush hour, although I'm counting on light traffic on account of it being New Year's Eve and maybe many other people like me are not going to work, but they might be going to the airport too) to fly to St. Louis and spend a week with melange428 , woo!

My suitcase is packed, zipped up even! My carry-ons are packed. You'd think I was getting on a 3-day flight the way I plan for diversions and snacks, when in all likelihood I will put on my headphones and be asleep before we take off and wake up because we land. My house is a mess, which is disappointing because it's always so much nicer to come back to a clean house after a vacation, but I just didn't get around to it because I had to work until 8 last night (ugh) and spent too much time at Target after work tonight.

It occured to me while packing that it has been years since I have been on a plane. I think the last time I flew was in 2006. That's probably the longest stretch of my life. I can't say I've missed it, as it seems to be a big damn hassle mostly, but it will get me to St. Louis to see my dear friend, and that is worth all the hassle in the world.

Yeah, I think we all knew Holidailies wasn't going to last.

2008-12-28T16:54:11Z

The problem with trying to write while I'm home is my parents are late-night people too, so we're always up kind of late. And I also like to sleep more while I'm here, so when I go upstairs, I just go to bed, rather than go online.

Christmas was fine, lovely. I got the two things I specifically requested, Series 4 of Doctor Who and a speaker dock for my iPhone, and some other little things, and some cash. We had decided a long time ago that it was going to be a light Christmas, so we were all good with it.

Only two things of note really happened. The first one was that at about 9:00pm on Christmas Eve, the lights went out. We live in a hilly neighborhood and can see Harrisburg in the distance, and it was all lit up, so we knew it wasn't some kind of massive East Coast outage. We got out our candles and our flashlights, fired up Christmas music on the laptop, and played our games:

and all was well. We were bummed about missing the Pope, which is an odd tradition of our non-Catholic family, but otherwise it was all very nice, and gave me the opportunity to use the word "Dickensian" in my Facebook status update.

We went to bed in the dark, but it was back on in the morning -- by the count of a digital clock, we determined it had come back on around 3am. Some discussion ensued about whether the turkey breast would still be okay, and although we all thought it was, we called the Butterball Hotline just in case, and the woman on the phone said "Oh, I'd eat at your house in a heartbeat."

The second notable thing is that I played Scrabble with my mother and got my first honest-to-goodness bingo, using all seven of my letters, which included a Q, over a triple word score, for a total point count of 107. And yes, I took a picture of it:

The use of the word "quaintly" then became quite popular over the weekend.

I hope your holiday was just as lovely.

It's sort of feeling like Christmas. I guess.

2008-12-24T04:06:56Z

But not really. I think it's because this is the first year I've had to work on Christmas Eve in I don't know how long, and I really don't. Up until now, I've had jobs where I have more or less dictated my own schedule. Not so much this year. All the more reason, right?

(Speaking of which, I have gone back and f-locked all of the Holidaily entries wherein I wax somewhat negative about my current employment. If you're not seeing them, then why are you not my friend?)

Anyway, I have gotten over my earlier bitterness about it and will be fine going in for a few hours tomorrow. It's not like I'm missing anything at home, and I'll be there in time for dinner and our annual tradition of game-playing and eggnog-drinking and Pope-watching. (We love watching the Pope on Christmas Eve, though we are not Catholic. One year the local Harrisburg station didn't run it, and there was an article in the paper the next day about how many complaining phone calls the station had received. One of them was from my mother.)

And I do still have some shopping to do on my way out of town tomorrow, mostly at Best Buy. My brother gets a gift card from there every year, and that's all he gets from me, as I have long since stopped trying to figure out what he wants. I have a few fun things for my sister-in-law, a couple of books and the Mad Men DVDs for my mother. I have also long since stopped trying to figure out what my dad wants, so he gets a stack of blank CD's (a running joke) and possibly some gadget or other I find at Best Buy or Staples. I also bought Bananagrams as a family gift, as I have heard fun things about it.

C'est tout, pour ce soir. Bonne nuit.

Hm.

2008-12-23T04:23:02Z

If there is one thing I am learning from this Holidailies exercise, it is that I lead, on the whole, a very boring life.

This is not a complaint. I feel like I go through phases. Like, I will be solitary for a while, and then I will, for example, do a show, and be surrounded by people a whole lot, and then I will need solitude again. But now we're circling back, and I'm ready for a little interaction, and so I sent off a check for the acting class today, which ate up a nice chunk of my birthday cash but is very much worth it, I think.

And now, I give you one of those silly song question memes, which Liz tagged me to do on FB and I reproduce here in its entirety.

1. Put your Zune/itunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who may enjoy the quiz as well as the person you got the note from. I used a very complicated formula that factored in how likely you were to actually do this coupled with how curious I was to see your music tastes!

I admit, I did cheat to skip classical pieces, film scores (because no answer should have to be "At the Sign of the Prancing Pony"), and Christmas music. But that's it. :)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"You'd Be So Nice to Come Home to" by Julie London (well, aren't i forward!)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Duel" by Bond (feisty!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Desperation Song" by Carbon Leaf (heh)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Perfect" by Eliza Carthy (ha!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Big Bird" by the B-52's (okay, they can't all be gems)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"I Love to Hate You" by Erasure (hey! I sound mean!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Life in Technicolor" by Coldplay

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Dark Road" by Annie Lennox

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Do I Make Myself Clear" by Etta James

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Crocodile Rock" by Elton John

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Music is the Victim" by Scissor Sisters

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP
"It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE
"Keep Young and Beautiful" by Annie Lennox

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"The Loved One" by INXS (awwwwww!!)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Cosmic Thing" by the B-52's (oh yes we will!)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Through With You" by Maroon 5 (heh)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Neon" by John Mayer

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET
"The Way" by Jill Scott

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Outside" by George Michael

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Just Another Day" by John Mellencamp

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Love Wars" by the Beautiful South

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"Ain't That a Kick in the Head" by Dean Martin

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"Good Love Never Dies" by Liz Phair

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"City of Blinding Lights" by U2 (that is totally not an answer! sigh.)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Nothing 'Bout Me" by Sting

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"It's About Time" by Jamie Cullum (well, seriously)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Whatever Lola Wants" by Sarah Vaughan

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Graceland" by Paul Simon

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Brown Derby Jump" by Cherry Poppin Daddies

I'm also sending happy literal birth day vibes to casey98 . Can't wait to meet Matthew's little sister!

Every year, the same thing happens.

2008-12-21T05:17:56Z

I get to this time of year -- my birthday, Christmas, the end of the year -- and I always make some plans. The problem is the plans seem to be very ephemeral, very undefined. Mostly, they involve a general sense of wanting to slow down and simplify. There's an awful lot of noise in the world, and a lot of noise in my head, and sometimes I just want to be still and quiet, yet I have a hard time doing that. I think I need to figure out how to do still and quiet more in 2009.

Speaking of 2009, because of a question I received on AQA, I now know that 2009 is not a prime number. Its factors are 7, 7, and 41. The last prime year was 2003 and the next prime year will be 2011. Just in case you were curious, too.

Anyway, here is my day, and I apologize in advance for the number of parentheticals in the next paragraph.

I ran out this morning to deposit my birthday check and get a Christmas card for my grandmother, the only card I will be mailing this year. (Sorry, everyone who sends me one. Next year, I promise!) Then I made Chex Mix the old-fashioned way, which is in the oven. (The box only gives you microwave directions anymore. I guess I should make half the batch in the microwave and see if I can tell the difference, but I'm very suspicious of getting the same quality that way.) Then my mother and I made my great-grandmother's sugar cookies while watching Little Women (which involved a lot of me clutching a rolling pin and weeping). Then we cajoled my father away from the computer and watched Dark Passage (1947+Bogart and Bacall=awesome) and had dinner (butternut squash soup and grilled onion cheese sandwiches) and watched the Cowboys-Ravens football game (sorry, Dallas people).

Now I'm excited about some overnight snow, which I have been waiting for all month, even if it keeps me here until Monday morning. Snow is still and quiet. That's what I want.

Maybe if I start writing this earlier in the day, I'll be less cranky.

2008-12-18T21:29:52Z

I think part of the reason is because I start to write when I'm tired and just want to go to bed but I feel like I have to write something just to be able to say that I posted something every day in December. Which is silly.

Maybe it's Twittering or AQAing but I am so used to writing in 140 (or 153) characters or less, I feel like that's all I can do now. I'll try to stretch things out, but it's a pretty slow news day.

Apparently a lot people are up in arms about Rick Warren. Maybe I'm just generally tired but I can't get all that worked up about it. It's an invocation. He won't be making policy. Obama has said a gazillion times that he's not going to ignore all the people who disagree with him. A politician made a political move, a nod to the conservative right that has zero effect on anything. I realize I don't really have standing to comment on this, but sometimes a turning of the cheek might be called for, is all I'm saying.

Is it wrong that I am looking forward to the Doctor Who Christmas Special more than pretty much anything else about Christmas day?

I have had a Hannah Montana doll sitting at my desk for the last three days. How I got it is a long and not-interesting story. I've been trying to find a Toys for Tots location in which to deposit it, but have been failing miserably. I feel like tomorrow is probably the last day this will be possible, so I'm on a mission.

Pandora baffles me sometimes. Here's Elvis, out of nowhere! Well, sure. Barenaked Ladies, Dave Matthews, Embrace... and Elvis. Well, he fits any station, doesn't he?

...Yeah, I got nothing.

On this day...

2008-12-18T19:06:14Z

...in 1971, yours truly was born.

According to Wikipedia, my notable birthday twins are Liz Cho (New York ABC nightly news anchor), Amy Locane (an actress best known as the sassy Southerner Sandy who only lasted one season on Melrose Place), and Tiffany Towers (a Canadian adult film actress, which, for some reason, I find hilarious. They have adult film actresses in Canada? I mean, obviously, but the idea of Canadian porn just seems funny to me.)

It was a fine day. I went to work and did absolutely nothing until noon, when I left to drive two and a half hours in the rain to Hershey. I went to dinner with my parents at a ridiculously early hour and had two blueberry martinis, which were delicious and brought about a mild state of inebriation such that I had to explain the cheek-poking to my parents. (You can always tell when I have a buzz going, because I will start poking myself in the cheeks. Not constantly, just every once in a while. My cheeks go numb when I get drunk. I have no idea why.)

Anyway, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday directly, or on FB, or on LJ, or wherever, really. It's a strange and mighty thing to feel surrounded by people even when you can't see them. And I did, indeed, have a happy birthday, thanks to all of you.

Trust me. You don't want me to be writing now anyway.

2008-12-18T04:37:19Z

Far, far too cranky.

The plantar fasciitis has been flaring up since the weekend and I am so effing tired of gimping around like an old woman and being in constant pain and eating Aleve like candy that I could scream.

Work is work, it is what it is, I am taking it a day at a time and will continue to do that until I get out, however long that takes.

It's been a boring week. What can I say? A boring, kind of cranky week. But, you know, I'm hanging in there.

E's holidailies entries are on a one-day hiatus.

2008-12-17T04:24:09Z

Move on down your friends list, people. Nothing to see here.

A Quick Ten.

2008-12-16T03:25:44Z

1. I have listened to "Rains in Asia" by Jump Little Children about nine million times in the last four days.

2. I root for the Steelers because my parents are fans, but the Ravens were totally robbed.

3. Tom Cruise is nutsy, but he is aging very well. And that kid is adorable.

4. I sometimes wish I could read, write, knit, surf the internet, and answer AQA questions all at the same time.

5. Total AQA haul so far this month: £46.50, which is about $70. I've decided this will be yarn money.

6. I am very much missing Doctor Who.

7. I also miss the cat sometimes. I am not one of those people who mourns a pet for months, but I do miss her presence.

8. I'm kind of annoyed that it is so bloody hot here while it is ice storming everywhere else.

9. I am returning a book to Amazon because the corner is smashed in. Normally I wouldn't care, but it's a gift.

10. Who knew GWB had ninja-like reflexes?

Sparkly.

2008-12-15T01:15:32Z

Please ignore the lack of a Christmas tree skirt, and the ghetto cable coming in from the window. Thank you.

Actual time.

2008-12-14T04:16:23Z

I just looked at a clock on the Bose downstairs as we were getting ready to go to bed and said "I can't believe it's 11:48 already!" To which my mother responded no, it was actually 10:48, she just never figured out how to change the clock. It felt like 11:48. It felt like 1:48 in the morning. I am exhausted.

Family party today, which was as fun as it could be given the idiosyncracies of many of my family members. None of them are particularly off-putting; we're just a weird bunch of people.

Tired. Must sleep.

Ever-so-cleverly backdated.

2008-12-13T06:30:53Z

It's 1:15 in the morning, I am sitting on a twin bed in my parents' house, in the room where my brother and sister-in-law usually sleep because I am not nice enough to give them the room with the double bed where I always sleep when I come here (which is 50 times more often than they come here, so I consider it my room) but I am nice enough to give my room to my aunt and uncle, who are here in advance of our family Christmas gathering tomorrow.

I don't really have much to say tonight, other than to notice that the lives of many people I love are in a bit of turmoil right now. I'm not turmoiling myself, not like my friends are. I'm just... uncertain, I guess, about a few things.

That's all I have for tonight.